Why America should become an absolute monarchy

By: senior Luke Peters

Every red-blooded American loves freedom, right? It’s on the ideal of preserving personal freedoms that America was founded on, after all. And in the grand scheme of things, America is a pretty solid country. But with any country, there are plenty of problems. However, do not fret, as the solution is relatively simple, at least in theory: A return to absolute monarchy and an abandonment of the glorification of personal freedoms.

Speaking ethically, there are a couple different ways that one can try and quantify what is considered “good.” From a utilitarian perspective, the most morally correct course of action is whatever provides the highest amount of good to the highest number of people, whether you choose to quantify that good as happiness, pleasure, satisfaction or some other similar positive emotion. Of course, many critics of utilitarianism might argue that it doesn’t account for any sort of moral justice; the best action, for instance, might bring a high amount of happiness to immoral criminals at the expense of innocent people. This is a decent criticism, so it seems appropriate to include a sense of moral fairness alongside maximization of good when we are sketching out a rough model of basic ethics.

Notably absent from this model is the idea of autonomy, or the freedom to do as one pleases (so long as it doesn’t harm others, most would add). Many people, philosophers or otherwise, tend to include autonomy as a positive moral value. But why? There is no guarantee that allowing people to make their own decisions will bring the highest degree of good, or guarantee moral fairness. So what makes us naturally think of autonomy as a moral good, as something we ought to strive for? If someone else knows what decision you ought to make in order to maximize good and maintain moral fairness, why let you screw up that choice yourself and waste all of that potential good?

We already acknowledge parents ought to make decisions for their children when they are very young; after all, an adult knows better than a child what the right choice is. Why stop this behavior once one is no longer a child? Surely there are adults out there much better equipped to make decisions than other adults.

“But wait!” One might say. “Surely only you yourself know what is best for you? No one is more a person than the person themselves, right?” But this is of course untrue. Who is better equipped to decide which car John ought to buy, the unremarkable everyman John, or his friend who is an expert on cars? It seems commonsensical that John ought to yield to his friend’s choice, even if he think he might know better. Chances are, he doesn’t actually know better; he just lacks the knowledge to know why he is wrong.

This is the principle of paternalism, the idea of restricting someone’s freedom for their own good, and our fetishization of autonomy has given this poor ethical concept a bad rap. It is this principle that is at the backbone of why an absolute monarchy is the superior governmental system. Under a democratic republic, like the (admittedly flawed) one the United States has, the decision making power lies in the hands of the people (in theory). By voting people into power whose beliefs reflect their own, they get to shape the rules to their own liking. Now, obviously this is a little problematic because it doesn’t mean that everyone gets what they want, only that the majority gets what they want.

But this is not the problem at hand; the problem we are focusing on is the decision making power is put in the hands of the people who are in the majority, as opposed to the people that actually know what the right decision on the matter is. The problem with a democratic government is that it equates the correct decision with the decision that is most popular; doing so maximizes autonomy, as most people will be able to do what they want, but doesn’t necessarily maximize moral good.

What would maximize good, however, is not a decision made on the basis of popularity, but a decision made on the basis of correctness. In order to achieve this, the ideal laws and regulations should be those passed not by popular vote, but by a singular order by a monarch. Naturally, this monarch would have to be the person most qualified for the job, and as such must be an incredibly intelligent expert in the field of ethics, preferably the leading expert in the field. (How we would go about finding such a person is a whole different issue.) Additionally, they would be backed by a team of the very best scientists in the fields of psychology, sociology, and all the natural sciences so he might make the most informed decision possible on any such occasion.

Now, many of the laws passed under such a monarch would be unpopular, make no mistake. But in the end, such laws are decisions that have been meticulously calculated to be most likely to cause the highest amount of good, and to do so fairly and evenly. As such, any criticism of them would either be uninformed, or coming from a place of greed or entitlement. Under such a system, one can imagine many of the world’s leading problems (unfair distribution of wealth, overpopulation, environmental pollution) a thing of the past, now that the government has enough power to enforce such decisions without having to deal with pesky autonomy.

Such a utopia will likely never be achieved, at least not anytime soon. However, I encourage all those reading this to reconsider whether or not restriction of freedom really is such a negative thing; the notion of autonomy as a moral good is outdated, and we must abandon it if we hope to evolve as a society.

How to go on spring break and enjoy it too

By: Matt Cohen and Ben Miller

Oh spring break. You’ve been waiting for this moment since last March. She’s one of a kind. Even though it seems like other breaks from school, there’s something different about this one.

The end of the school year is in clear sight, the weather is starting to warm up (30 degrees counts as warming up these days) and we’re about to go on trips with friends that will create life-long memories. Spring break is fit for a king.

This year we decided to look into tickets to go around the world in seven days. We soon realized it was an unrealistic goal. How could you only spend one day eating croissants in France or churros in Mexico? It would just be torturing yourself.

So, we looked into the next best option, which is classic Panama City Beach in Florida. But you know, that requires so much effort. Not only do you have party nonstop to be cool, but you’ll stay up all night and spend all day on the beach. The sleep schedule would be just like it is at OWU, but sandy.

We moved on to Plan C. Going home wouldn’t be too bad, and home cooked meals are always delicious. The price is pretty fair too: nothing.

Here are some helpful tips for enjoying a hometown spring break:

Tip number one: Rekindle that high school romance. You’ve been at college for a couple years. Throw caution to the wind and text that high school crush.

Tip number two: Avoid getting arrested. Duh, right? But seriously, the “Get Out of Jail Free Card” doesn’t exist during spring break (someone please try to create this). Don’t be that guy who peaked in high school and returns home to show off in front of friends.

Tip number three: Enjoy the presence of family. Going back home is becoming more and more rare as we grow older. Even though you may be dreaming about a spring break traveling around the world or partying on the beach, the time you spend with the heroes that raised you is more important.

We may not follow all of these wise words ourselves, but you should. Spring break is here, and we’ve earned it. So whatever you end up doing, enjoy. May the odds ever be in your favor.

School records set at the NCAC championship meet

Sophomore Anne Edwards on Friday. Photo courtesy of battlingbishops.com.
Sophomore Anne Edwards on Friday. Photo courtesy of battlingbishops.com.

The Ohio Wesleyan men’s and women’s swim teams set new records at the NCAC Conference Championship meet at Denison University Feb. 12 through Feb. 14.

The women’s team set two school records while the men’s team set four school records.

Junior Bryce Uzzolino set two school records in the 50 meter and 100 meter freestyle.

Uzzolino surpassed the 50 meter record of 21.39 seconds with his new time at 21.07 seconds. His time of 46.69 seconds in the 100 meter swim beat the previous record by .02 seconds.

Alongside his fellow team members sophomore Greyson Goodwin, senior Kaneat Nimcharoenwan and junior Andy Cumston, Uzzolino assisted in breaking the 200 meter free relay record of 1:24.64 set in 1992 with 1:24:36. He also beat the 400 free relay record – 3:08.14 – with a time of of 3:07.48.

OWU men’s team placed 7th out of 10 teams and OWU women’s team placed 8th out of 9 teams. Denison came in first place in both men’s and women’s beating out the traditional powerhouse, Kenyon.

Junior Bryce Uzzolino on Saturday. Photo courtesy of battlingbishops.com.
Junior Bryce Uzzolino on Saturday. Photo courtesy of battlingbishops.com.

“We fall kind of in the middle in terms of the swim program,” said coach Richard Hawes. “But what we have to understand is that the NCAC is at the very top in the country so we could be in a different conference and win. So, for us to be in the middle is actually quite good. When you look at all the division three swimming programs we are probably in the top 25 percent.”

Before the meet, the men’s and women’s swim teams both sat down and wrote goals for themselves. There were three goals that were consistent between both teams: cheering for each other at the meets, swimming season-best times as well as lifetime-best times, and to break school records.

“100 percent of the teams achieved season best and about 92 percent set lifetime-best times” Hawes said. “They did not disappoint,” Hawes said. “I knew they were going to go fast and they did. They certainly hit every expectation that I had.”

Veg Club brings “Supersize Me” to campus

The Ohio Wesleyan Vegetarian Club screened the documentary Supersize Me Wednesday, Feb. 11 as a way to raise awareness of fast food industry practices.

One of the main goals of the Vegetarian Club is to educate other students about the impact food has on the human body.

Sophomore Becca Manning, president of Vegetarian Club, and her fellow members have considered putting a screening together for a while now. They started doing research on what they wanted to show and it came down to Supersize Me and another documentary titled Food Inc.

“Food Inc. is a bit more educational and it goes into more detail about plant-based diets and diseases that can be prevented through a plant-based diet,” Manning said. “But we decided to go with this documentary because it resonates so well with the college student community.”

The main purpose of this showing was to show students how big of a role food plays in their lives and how foods dictate so many other aspects of health besides just body composition.

The audience reactions were very similar. Many people discussed how disgusting the fast food process is and how terrible the current obesity epidemic is.

“After seeing it for the first time, I have not eaten fast food since,” said freshman Miranda Anthony, public relations advisor for the club.

“I have been a vegetarian my entire life so a lot of this stuff is new to me,” freshman Izzy Taylor said. “My parents would always refuse to get us those fast food toys, because those really work. I think that is the worst part, in a lot of lower income neighborhoods, the safest form of entertainment and play is in those McDonald’s playhouses.”

Vegetarian Club meets every Tuesday at 6 p.m. in Hamilton-Williams Campus Center for dinner.

Fifty Shades of “what the hell”

By: Matt Cohen and Ben Miller

fifty 1
Photo courtesy of eonline.com.

So, you were alone on Valentines Day? Well, we were too.  And we are no relationship experts, but I’m sure our experiences will draw some helpful lessons. Maybe.

Being alone really isn’t such a bad thing. No gifts means our bank accounts didn’t take a hit, no dinner dates mean we had a delicious yet affordable meal at White Castle and no disgusting candy hearts.

This Hallmark holiday has a way of making any sane person feel bad about themselves for not having a valentine, but lets be honest, it is more of a struggle then its worth.

We tried to do the least romantic and manliest things we could think of. Some that worked well in the past were howling like a wolf on top of a mountain, chopping down trees, and catching fish with our bare hands.

Alternatively, if you do not have access to this wilderness of masculinity, you could go see “Fifty Shades of Grey” with some of your buddies. It really isn’t that weird. Okay, it’s pretty weird.

We got a couple friends together and saw this “romantic” film on Valentine’s Day. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence, but it’s true.

It was a pretty awkward experience overall. Walking into the theatre with four guys sounds awkward enough, but try that after being carded because we apparently look under 17. It also didn’t help that we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

If you are looking for a disturbing plot line with an amazing soundtrack, this is the movie for you.

Ellie Goulding and The Weeknd highlight the movie’s soundtrack with hits that will be stuck in your head for the next couple of days – as will some unpleasant mental images, we’re sure. Nonetheless, the Fifty Shades soundtrack will definitely make a great addition to your sex playlist.

Besides the music and the dramatic billionaire life, most of the movie is centered on people being naked. Normally, a group of 20 year old guys wouldn’t complain about a little tasteful nudity on film but this was just plain uncomfortable. And it really wasn’t just a little nudity.

The characters were interesting enough, although Anastasia (the main female character) was missing some key background information. We’re sure she’s portrayed with more clarity in the books.

Christian Grey, who apparently has singular (not unlike his taste) commitment issues, is a boss. Who wouldn’t want their name on a personal helicopter and have an amazing loft with a view of downtown Seattle? It sounds very nice, and it would be if Grey wasn’t insane.

He is very creepy, to say the least, and somehow knows where Anastasia is at all times. Stalkerish, really. But hey, it seems like it’s okay if you’re a handsome billionaire. He really isn’t a good boyfriend, or a good person, for that matter.

The movie was left at a cliffhanger, which of course makes most viewers interested in seeing the next one. Not all viewers, meaning us, but there is definitely plans for a sequel and even a third one.

If you’re planning on taking your mom out to a movie like any good son would, steer clear of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” I repeat, steer clear. Unless you’re looking for a very uncomfortable experience – in that case, go for it.

Beezin’: The New Buzz?

Photo courtesy of Soap.com.
Photo courtesy of Soap.com.

Written by: Ben Miller and Matt Cohen, arts & entertainment editor and sports editor, respectively

Frigid temperatures and brisk winds make it perfectly normal to see Burt’s Bees™ lip balm being applied to chapped lips, but a new craze is changing how college students use the nourishing mango butter formula.

The trend referred to as “beezin’” began when some thrill seeker applied BB lip balm to his or her upper eyelid. The sensation of beezin’ is described by one UrbanDictionary.com entry as “a freaky yet pleasurable tingling.”

This trend has spread to the Ohio Wesleyan campus. We’ve even seen it firsthand at parties. Parties! This raises one question in our minds: Why?

After completing some intense research, we’ve come the conclusion that this can’t possibly be good for your eyelids, eyes or reputation. Nobody sees a kid at a party applying lip wax to his eyelids and says, “Man, I want to hang out with him.” Nobody even says “man” anymore.

“The peppermint oil in the lip balm is a very strong irritant and can cause inflammation,” Dr. Brett Cauthen said in an article published by reason.com.

This brings us back to our earlier question: Why? This stupid trend can cause pink eye-like symptoms. But then again, college students will do anything to get weird on the weekends.

In the same article by Dr. Cauthen, some teens said that “beezin’” simulates the experience of being drunk or high. Let’s say this does actually get a person “high.” Do the benefits of the short-lived tingle outweigh the cost of irritating your eyes and causing damage to your dignity?

In an article published on gothamist.com, Scott Heins gives some insight into this “beezin’.” “Having Burt’s Bees™ on your eyelids feels like riding in a convertible through a mint field in January. It’s cold yet somehow comforting,” Heins wrote.

Honestly, we’re scared for our generation. What could we possibly come up with next? We’ve made it through the glue-sniffing era and the horrific cinnamon challenge epidemic, but how many lives do we have left?